The Ultimate Chicago Pizza Tier List: Ranking the Best and Worst Pizzerias

Hey there, pizza lovers! Buckle up, because we're about to embark on a journey through the Windy City's pizza landscape that'll make your taste buds dance and your stomach growl. From the crispy, caramelized edges of deep-dish heaven to the sad, soggy slices that'll make you question your life choices, we're covering it all. So grab a napkin (or ten) and let's dive into the ultimate Chicago pizza tier list!

S-Tier: The Pizza Pantheon 🏆

These aren't just pizzas; they're religious experiences. If you haven't tried these, can you even call yourself a Chicagoan?

Pequod's Pizza (Lincoln Park, Morton Grove)

Picture this: You're sitting in a cozy booth, the smell of caramelized cheese wafting through the air. You take a bite of Pequod's famous deep-dish, and BAM! Your taste buds are hit with a flavor explosion. That crispy, almost-burnt cheese crust? It's like a halo sent from the pizza gods. Whether you're at their Lincoln Park spot or trekking out to Morton Grove, Pequod's is worth the pilgrimage.

Pro tip: Order the sausage deep-dish. Trust me, your future self will thank you.

Vito & Nick's Pizzeria (Ashburn)

Alright, thin crust lovers, this one's for you. Vito & Nick's has been slinging pies since your grandpa was rockin' a pompadour, and they've perfected the art of the tavern-style pizza. We're talking crispy, cracker-thin crust that somehow supports a mountain of gooey cheese and spicy sauce. Their sausage pizza is so good, it should be illegal.

Fun fact: They don't do delivery. It's pick-up or dine-in only. Old school cool, baby!

Lou Malnati's (Multiple Locations)

Lou Malnati's is to Chicago what the Eiffel Tower is to Paris – iconic, beloved, and always camera-ready. Their butter crust is the stuff of legends, and don't even get me started on that chunky tomato sauce. Whether you're a local or a tourist, Lou's deep-dish is a rite of passage.

Insider's choice: Try "The Lou" with its spinach mix, mushrooms, and sliced tomatoes. It's like a salad, but way more delicious.

Giordano's (Multiple Locations)

If you've ever thought, "Gee, I wish I could eat a literal brick of cheese," then Giordano's stuffed pizza is your dream come true. This bad boy is so packed with cheese, it makes other pizzas look like they're on a diet. It's excessive, it's indulgent, and it's oh-so-Chicago.

Warning: You might need a nap after this one. Plan accordingly.

Burt's Place (Morton Grove)

Burt's Place is like that indie band you discovered before they got famous. It's a bit out of the way in Morton Grove, but oh boy, is it worth the trek. Founded by the genius behind Pequod's, Burt's takes a "less is more" approach that'll make you question everything you thought you knew about pizza.

Hot tip: Call ahead to order. They make pizzas in small batches, and you do NOT want to miss out.

A-Tier: The Almost-Legends 🌟

These spots might not have their own Netflix documentary (yet), but they're still serving up slices of heaven.

Jimmy's Pizza Cafe (Ravenswood)

Craving a New York slice in the Windy City? Jimmy's has got you covered. Their pies are so big, you might need to dislocate your jaw to take a bite. And don't even think about leaving without trying their "BDW" pizza – bacon, date, and walnut. It's like a party in your mouth where sweet and savory are the guests of honor.

Paulie Gee's (Logan Square, Wicker Park)

Paulie Gee's is where traditional pizza goes to get a hipster makeover. We're talking wood-fired crusts and toppings that sound like they belong in a fancy cocktail. Hot honey? Bacon jam? It's all here, and it's all delicious. Vegans, rejoice! They've got options for you that'll make even die-hard carnivores jealous.

Piece Brewery and Pizzeria (Wicker Park)

Pizza and beer had a baby, and its name is Piece. This New Haven-style pizzeria serves up crispy, charred pies that pair perfectly with their house-brewed beers. It's loud, it's fun, and it's where you go when you want to pretend you're still in college (but with better taste in pizza).

Beer pairing suggestion: Try their award-winning Golden Arm with a white pizza. You can thank me later.

Spacca Napoli (Uptown)

If you've ever wanted to teleport to Naples without the jetlag, Spacca Napoli is your ticket. Their Neapolitan pizzas are so authentic, you'll be speaking Italian by the time you finish your meal. The crust is chewy, the mozzarella is fresh, and the basil is... well, it's basil. But it's really good basil.

George's Deep Dish (Edgewater)

George is like the mad scientist of the pizza world. He's taken deep-dish and given it a sourdough twist that'll make you question everything you thought you knew about pizza. It's a small operation, so scoring one of these pies feels like winning the lottery – a very delicious, cheese-covered lottery.

B-Tier: The Solid Performers 👍

These places won't blow your mind, but they'll definitely satisfy your pizza cravings.

Connie's Pizza (South Loop)

Connie's is like that reliable friend who's always there for you. Is it the best pizza you'll ever have? Probably not. But will it be there for you at 2 AM when you're craving both thin crust AND deep-dish? You bet your pepperonis it will.

Coalfire Pizza (West Loop, Lakeview)

Coalfire is all about that char, baby. Their crusts are crispier than your ex's attitude, and they're not afraid to get weird with toppings. Whipped ricotta? Smoked mozzarella? It's like a fancy cheese plate decided to crash a pizza party.

Five Squared Pizza (Garfield Park)

Five Squared is the pizza equivalent of that cool food truck you follow on Instagram. Operating out of a virtual kitchen, they're slinging Detroit-style squares that'll make you rethink your commitment to circles. Their rotating menu means there's always something new to try – just don't get too attached to any one pizza, or you'll end up with FOMO.

Labriola Chicago (Near North Side)

Labriola is that overachiever who's good at everything but doesn't quite excel at any one thing. Their deep-dish is solid, their thin crust is respectable, and they're conveniently located for tourists. It's the pizza equivalent of a B+ student – reliable, but not quite valedictorian material.

Bob's Pizza (Pilsen)

Bob's is like that friend who's always trying to get you to try their latest homebrew. Their beer-infused crust is a cool party trick, and when it works, it really works. But like any experiment, sometimes you end up with a slice that makes you go "Huh?" instead of "Wow!"

C-Tier: The "It'll Do" Crew 😐

These spots are for when you're hungry, desperate, or maybe a little drunk.

Gino's East (River North)

Gino's East is famous for two things: their deep-dish pizza and the graffiti-covered walls that make you feel like you're eating in a very cheesy punk rock venue. The pizza is... fine. It's there. It exists. But in a city with so many great options, "it exists" isn't exactly a ringing endorsement.

Dimo's Pizza (Lakeview)

Dimo's is where pizza goes to cosplay as other foods. Mac and cheese pizza? Check. S'mores pizza? Why not! It's less about the pizza and more about the experience of eating something that probably shouldn't exist. Great for late-night munchies, not so great for pizza purists.

My Pi Pizza (Bucktown)

My Pi is like the guy at karaoke who only knows one song but sings it with gusto. Their deep-dish is cheesy – very, very cheesy. If you're in the mood for a cheese pull that could double as a workout, My Pi's got you covered. Just don't expect much beyond that dairy stretch.

D-Tier: The "Well, I Guess This Is Pizza" Zone 😕

These are the places you end up when all other options have mysteriously vanished.

California Pizza Kitchen (River North)

CPK is the pizza equivalent of a corporate team-building exercise – inoffensive, bland, and leaves you wondering why you're there. Their BBQ Chicken Pizza might have been revolutionary in 1985, but this is Chicago in 2024, people. We have standards.

Bella Bacino's (The Loop)

Bella Bacino's is trying its best, bless its heart. The ambiance is nice, the service is friendly, but the pizza... well, let's just say it's more "meh" than "mamma mia." It's the pizza you eat when you're stuck in the Loop and every other option has a two-hour wait.

E-Tier: The "Is This Really Happening?" Experience 😬

This is where we start to question our life choices.

Home Run Inn (Multiple Locations)

Home Run Inn is like that ex you keep going back to even though you know better. Sure, their frozen pizzas might have gotten you through some tough times in college, but the dine-in experience is about as exciting as watching paint dry on a pizza box, that's been left out in the rain.

F-Tier: The Pizza Purgatory 💀

If you find yourself considering these options, please, call a friend. You need help.

Sbarro (Various Malls)

Ah, Sbarro, the pizza that makes you question whether you're in Chicago or a 1990s mall food court fever dream. It's less of a pizza and more of a cry for help. If you're eating Sbarro in Chicago, you've either lost a bet or lost your way. Either way, we're here for you, buddy.

Pizza Hut (Various Locations)

Look, we've all been there. It's late, you're hungry, and suddenly that cheesy stuffed crust starts calling your name. But remember: you're in Chicago, the pizza capital of the Midwest! You're better than this. We're better than this. Put down the phone and step away from the Hut.

The Cheese Stands Alone

And there you have it, folks – a journey through Chicago's pizza scene that's more epic than deep-dish is thick. From the heavenly heights of Pequod's caramelized crust to the soul-crushing depths of mall pizza, we've covered it all.

Remember, pizza preference is as personal as your choice in deep-dish vs. thin crust (a debate that's torn apart more Chicago families than the Cubs vs. Sox). So get out there, try them all, and find your pizza soulmate. Just promise me you'll steer clear of the F-tier unless you're conducting some sort of scientific experiment on the limits of human taste buds.

Now, if you'll excuse me, all this pizza talk has made me hungry. I'm off to conduct some more "research" for my next article. It's a tough job, but someone's gotta do it!

Stay saucy, Chicago!

P.S. If you see me passed out in a food coma somewhere in the city, just throw a blanket over me. I'm probably "working."